When I Grow Up - A Memoir (2008 Book)

Juliana's book was published by Wiley in 2008.

It's still available at Amazon.

Spiketop has a set of photos from an LA in store session in September 2008.

The Boston Phoenix has Chapter 34 ('Windows'), which details the series of events surrounding her depression and cancellation of her European tour in 1995:

It felt like this time, unlike all the others, the cloud wasn’t going to dissipate. This infernal woe had spread its poison all through my brain and body, as well as the city and sky, and I couldn’t see any way out. And I had to go on tour. It was all planned and scheduled and arranged. I guessed going on the road would be no worse than sitting in my apartment waiting for the end of the world, alone.

It’s so difficult to describe a bad depression. Even if one could capture it in all its blank, dead horror, she would know that there was not really any point in telling anyone else. Talking about how one’s blood has run cold, or dry, or black, doesn’t bring any relief. It’s as tedious for the sufferer as for the listener. Telling someone is only burdening him with a big problem that doesn’t appear to have any solution: it hurts to be awake. The morbidly depressed person’s only hope is for unconsciousness; for the gift of sleep to free her for the requisite seven or eight hours each night. Even then, disrupted or stunted sleep is often part of the problem.

The New York Times has an interview:

"You find yourself approaching middle age, playing another scuzzy rock club, trying to hold onto your dignity, but the toilet is overflowed, and the place stinks of stale beer. I still have all the faith and love for my music and yet I’m still playing places for kids."

Juliana on Don't by Dinosaur Jr. from an interview offering a playlist of accompanying music to the book at largeheartedboy.com:

"It was maybe the most authentically tortured and anguished vocal performance I'd ever had the pleasure (or horror) to witness."

Juliana reading exceprts and discussing the book at Northeastern University, Boston, USA on 14 January 2009:


Chapter List

  1. August 1: Hoboken
  2. Vision
  3. August 2: Philadelphia
  4. In the Woodshed
  5. August 3: New York City
  6. Angel Girl
  7. August 4: North Bergen to Boston
  8. The Interview Interview
  9. August 5: Cambridge
  10. Sassy
  11. August 7: Cleveland
  12. Big Money
  13. August 8: Columbus
  14. The Story of "My Sister"
  15. August 9: Indianapolis
  16. Cool Rock Boys
  17. August 10: Chicago
  18. Guns and Roses and Me
  19. August 11: Iowa City
  20. My Idol
  21. August 12: Minneapolis
  22. The Harpsichord
  23. August 13: Minneapolis to Kearney
  24. Hair and Makeup
  25. August 15: Denver to Wendover
  26. Jeff Buckley
  27. August 16: Wendover to San Francisco
  28. August 17: San Francisco
  29. The Telecommunications Act of 1996
  30. August 18: San Francisco to Los Angeles
  31. August 19: L.A.
  32. Demons
  33. August 20: San Diego
  34. Windows
  35. August 21: Tucson
  36. Begging to Be Dropped
  37. August 22: Albuquerque
  38. August 23: Albuquerque to Oklahoma City
  39. August 24: Lawrence
  40. Hunger
  41. August 25: St. Louis
  42. The Last Leg
  43. The Year of No Music
  44. How to Walk Away